When you start dating someone seriously, and especially if you’re thinking about getting married, it’s a good idea to know where your partner stands financially.
“The most successful couples have a shared vision of a rich life … they have designed a vision of what they want their money to do,” Ramit Sethi, self-made millionaire and author of the new book, “Money for Couples,” tells CNBC Make It.
“The most successful couples also talk about money regularly, proactively and positively, and they have systems in place to make sure that their money goes where they want it to go,”
Sethi has worked with thousands of couples over the last 20 years, helping them figure out big financial situations like getting out of debt, navigating income disparities and planning for retirement. He’s been married since 2018 himself, and often shares the strategies he and his wife use to maintain a positive relationship with each other and their finances.
Here are three moves Sethi recommends avoiding if you’re trying to build a financially successful relationship.
1. Bragging about money
It may be tempting to show off your financial prowess and prove to a potential partner that you’re financially stable, but bragging about your salary or investments can give the wrong impression and land you in an uncomfortable relationship with mismatched values.
“Leading with money attracts the wrong type of attention,” Sethi says.
Relationship experts agree. Asking about a potential partner’s income on a first date is “socially unacceptable,” dating coach Kelsey Wonderlin recently told CNBC Make It.
“It’s an unrealistic viewpoint that if someone makes this certain number everything will be great,” she said. “Having a big income disparity could be a big challenge, but an equally hard challenge would be a difference in values of how you spend money and how you save money.”
That being said, “there are natural times to learn more about your partner and to even talk about money,” Sethi says.
Asking questions like, “What does your family do for the holidays?” may offer insight into another person’s financial background. If your date says their family goes skiing in Aspen every year, they probably come from a different financial situation than someone who says they normally stay home or take a road trip to visit family, Sethi says.
2. Judging someone for their financial situation
As you start to learn more details about a partner’s finances, like their salary or what kind of debt they have, Sethi says he would “never judge someone based on [their] life situation.”
Instead of making assumptions or immediately writing off someone who says they have credit card debt, for example, Sethi says to “get curious” about it.
“Why do you have credit card debt? And more importantly, what’s the plan?” he says he would ask.
Plenty of people are already ashamed of the debt they’re carrying, Sethi says, and receiving judgement about it — especially from someone they may care about — won’t solve the problem. But understanding how they got into a certain situation, and what they’re doing about it, can reveal more about who they are as a person.
“I think one of the most attractive things is when somebody is vulnerable and open about a decision they made in the past, and then they talk about what they are doing to change it,” Sethi says.
3. Apologizing for personal values
While you shouldn’t judge someone’s financial situation, it is OK to decide that they have views on money you don’t vibe with.
“You don’t have to apologize for wanting a partner whose financial values align with you,” Sethi says. “Money isn’t just some little thing in a relationship that’s put to the side. It affects where you live, what you eat, what type of family structure you can have. Money affects who you are.”
You don’t have to agree on every single thing, but it’s important to be able to be open and honest during regular conversations about your views on money, the kind of lifestyle you want to have and your partner’s place in that, he says.
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